There are posts that sing in your heart, some loudly, some softly,… no demands, they just ask to be set free, to be published. Some come unbidden, easy to write, easy to read. Joyful words describing beautiful seasons, and the beauty of nature. We all like to read those, life is hard enough without reading tales of woe in a blog.
And then there are others, a need, demand, not as pleasant to read, but so desperately wanting to be set free so I can move forward. I’ve found that by recording a moment, a memory I no longer allow it to keep my nights, my days, and my life hostage.
They are rarely shared.
This one escaped, it feels so intensely personal, I didn’t want it to, but it did.
You might remember my Dad went into the hospital because of ill health, during his stay there he fell and broke his hip, which extended his stay by months… and we thought that was hard. It was only the beginning of a very long, difficult and heartbreaking journey that is not finished yet. One that we as family can only offer as much support and love as possible.
It’s hard for him, and for us, it takes my heart, my love, and my time to be there with my parents. I am trying to help them out in any way I can.
Dementia is a nasty disease, a wicked awful mind stealing disease that sneaks up behind you and wallops you with a club, lets you stagger off to partially recover, and then does it all over again.
Not nice words at all, but Dementia doesn’t deserve them. It has stolen too many of my family members… and now it’s hitting my Dad.
Life maybe just life, but this… this is beyond fair. I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m worried, and most of all I am sad.
This isn’t a post about sadness, and fear so much as the effort it takes to be there, smile, and encourage during a very difficult situation, we have all been there, or will deal with troubles in some way. I know that, and my heart goes out to all of you as you struggle with difficulties also.
In the end we should know that we have done all we can to help, no matter what the struggles against us were.
This is a post that didn’t come out quietly, it kicked, screamed, shouted, and it continues to do so. It won’t be quieted by frequent power outages, computer glitches, or my unwillingness to publish it.
It wants to be heard, noticed, felt. It want’s you to realize that Dementia is a epidemic, and as much as you think it won’t happen to you, it could happen to any of us or those we love.
I wish there was a happy ending, I tried to give it the best I could, the journey continues. And I will completely understand if you are end up not knowing what to say… that’s OK.
This is not a poem, it’s not a rant, it’s a rendition of a heartbreaking day, one that is etched too closely on my heart.
But in those painfully carved words, there is hope, and there is love.
Life, it’s just life . Fragile shell enveloping egg dropped onto hard floor, slimy splatters, cat prints lead away from the scene of the crime.
It’s not his fault.
Juice tipped onto morning paper, soaked, soggy orange scented old news.
That’s life
Power out… heat wave, stifling hot.
No sleep, hot days, foggy brains.
That’s life.
Moving day, worry, concern, positive thoughts, cheerful, fake happy.
Check for the words now tattooed on your heart.
“It’s the disease, not the person.”
You are a rock.
You are a island.
Simon and Garfunkel knew what they were talking about.
That’s life.
Free hour left on parking ticket handed through the rolled down window of a slow passing car.
Goodness of strangers.
That’s life.
Thank goodness for life.
Last time walking through cloud of smokers, hacking over IV stands.
Familiar face tugs at my memory, daughter of one left behind, revealed as neighbour from my now far away ocean.
My old home, my old life.
Keep in touch, good luck, I wish we had met again sooner.
But we can’t wait to leave.
We hope never to come back.
That’s life
Thank goodness for life.
Moment of calm, breath deep, but for the smells of old, air, memories, hopes, and dreams, escaping through art deco gold painted grating on elevator wall.
Smiles, good wishes fond on your heart, breaking tears into smaller drops.
Heat, never ending hot, shiny sun.
Pack the car, don’t forget anything, him, nervous… upset, hold back the tears.
That’s life.
His words accusing us of betrayal, no thanks for all he has done for us through the years, overriding our words of comfort, preparation, photos shown and forgotten, change overwhelming, he does not care.
Be the rock, be the island for all of you.
Clean, quiet, beautiful surroundings does not replace chaos, disregard, and dirty linens in his mind.
Kindness and attentiveness of the nurses, friendliness of the residents ignored.
That’s life.
It’s the disease, not the person.
But oh it aches, it hurts.
Where are you Dad?
That’s life.
Go back to where you swore you would never return, forgotten items, disbelief on his face as you leave without him, take me back there…
Promises made I will be back, I don’t want to go, but I will be back.
Drop off at downtown pharmacy, street person asks money for popsicle… decision, change for meter, or popsicle donation.
Ticket versus treat.
Wish it wasn’t asked, wish I had both.
That’s life
Hot, sweaty tires black on pavement, roads closed, worry, lost, found, rushing.
Situation same.
Keep up the hope.
Homemade Ginger snaps, cold juice.
They know what happens here, how much of it is life.
Sugar high.
Situation low.
Immaculate garden gazed upon through his window, holds a flower.
Despite his refusal to mellow, to bend, to look.
Shines above all else, single stemmed brilliant petals perfectly displayed.
It tells me yes this will get better, it will get easier.
It’s determination despite the heat to show how beautiful life is, tells me I am not the only rock.
There are other islands.
This is life
Thanks goodness for life.
Tears from your Mother.
Smile from a stranger.
A hug.
That’s life?
Is that life?
Thank goodness for life, as painful as it is right now.
If you would like more information about Alzheimer’s/Dementia this is a link to the Canadian site.